I am writing to you both at once as just read your posts and wanted to tell you what it did for me. I am 36 and struggling with anorexia. It is even hard for me to write it down as I generally just deny that anything is wrong and tell people that I am fine really. That is hard, because it stops me from getting the support that I really need.

Emily, I first read your book in October last year, when my life was desperately dark and I felt very depressed most of the time. Your book made me realise that I was not the only person with these feelings and behaviours and it made me feel less alone and more motivated to deal with this properly. I talked to my friends and they are wonderful and I found an amazing nutritionist who is so great. But they don’t go through what I am going through and they don’t feel what I feel and that why it was such a relief for me to read your emails, because it made me feel less alone and that there are people out there struggling with the same things that I am dealing with right now. So thank you Romy, for putting these thought and feelings on paper and for allowing me to read them-it makes a huge difference to the way I feel right now

The paragraph that really made me cry with relief is where you write about your obsessive thinking about food. It is what I am doing at the moment and it is exhausting and driving me mad most days. I used to just stick to my ‘safe’ diet but now with the help of my nutritionist I am eating more and it seems to have woken my body up and it now keeps telling me that it is hungry and I am scared of that feeling.
When I am with friends and they are all chatting and having fun-but all I am thinking about is food and I don’t even hear the conversation. I hate myself for it, as I want to have fun and give my time and attention to my friends and not just selfishly think about my food issues all the time. I was out with a really good friend the other day and we went to a restaurant for a quick snack and I cried because there was nothing on the menu I could eat-nothing safe enough to eat. So we had to leave the restaurant and I felt so selfish.

At the same time I want to go and eat everything on the menu, because my body is hungry and it is telling me it is. I feel so angry that I am so hungry because it is a scary and unsettling feeling and it makes me scared of losing control completely. I am so afraid that if I eat something that I will not stop eating, because that is what it feels like right now. I told my nutritionist about this and she tells me that I will stop when I am full, but I am not sure. I also feel that if I manage just once to fill myself completely and eat all my ‘forbidden’ foods that I am then cured from this anorexia thing and that my life is back to normal. The magic cure you are talking about in your email-the one that I really want as well. And I am afraid that that is it then-that my life still feels so depressing and without direction but that I should then be fine because my anorexia is gone and I am back to a normal weight. And no one will care any more.

I also used to eat with people to make sure I would eat more (safe people that is) and now I feel better when eating with other people because I cannot simply fill myself up on everything. And at the same time I want them away from the dinner table so I can fill myself up with everything on the table, because my body is so hungry. It is a scary feeling, because I actually try to eat less again, so I won’t feel my hunger so much. I know that probably doesn’t make any sense, but it feels that the less I eat, the less I feel my hunger sometimes. It is all so double and it makes me sad that this is my life right now.

Emily, Thank you for saying that it is important to trust your tummy-it really opened my eyes-that is what I need to learn to do. I find it so hard to trust me and my feelings, and my wants and needs. I begged my nutritionist to give me food plan with every single food item on it and when I should eat it, defined by the minute. But she doesn’t give me one as she wants me to learn to trust myself again and my body and mind. I understand but it is so frustratingly difficult!!! Your tip of sticking with whole foods as much as possible is a great one that will make it a bit easier to deal with the cravings. (I crave nice, wholemeal bread with cheese or peanut butter!!!)

I struggle so much with the fear of getting bigger as well. The goal I got from my nutritionist this week is to eat 15% more with every meal for 2 days-and I feel if I do that I will gain a whole dress size this week. And I know that isn’t true but it feels like it is.

I understand your fear about going to Oxford. My situation is a bit different as I have been off from my normal work of cabin crew for a while now and I have been working in the office-it has been great, interesting, but high pressured and they might offer me a permanent job-which is great, but not what I really want to do and I am not sure if I can cope with the pressure as I find it so hard to concentrate on anything at all. (Funnily enough my job is in airline catering!!!!-So if I am not thinking of my own food issues 24-7 I will have to think about the airlines food issues!!!)
I have to go to a medical assessment of Monday to find out if I am allowed back to my flying job and I really want to as I love it, but I am scared to go back as well as it is such a physically and mentally demanding job and it can be so lonely (not as glamorous as everyone thinks). A lot of people have said that maybe I should do something else completely. I always said (like you say in your email) I absolutely cannot let this take away my job that I really love-but it looks like that might be about to happen. And maybe that is the way it needs to be right now. Even though it is a great company and the best in the business, but maybe not the best place for me right now. Maybe it is the same for you with Oxford-it is a great University but maybe not for you right now. I really hope you get what you want and what is right for you. I know that you will do well at whatever you chose.

One tip I have for everyone that struggles with an eating disorder is to try yoga. It has helped me so much. It took me a while to find the right teacher, but she is amazing and such a gem. I am sometimes too tired and weak to get through the whole class, but that is ok. I told her about what I am going through and she has been so helpful. It is helping me to connect my mind and body again as these two are so separated in an eating disorder. I become more aware of my body and I can relax better and sleep more. If anyone wants to try it I can only say Go for it and find a teacher that really suits you.

Ok, that is all. I feel like you now-I have been rambling on for ages and I don’t even know if it makes any sense. I am also not even English so I probably made lots of mistakes and I am not very good at writing it all down so beautifully like you, it is more straight out with me I think, hope you don’t mind. I am a bit scared sending this email as I don’t want you to feel I went over the top, writing all that I did, I just wanted to say thank you and share a bit of me with some one who hopefully understands. If it is too much, just delete it!!!

I would really love to know how you are doing; I so hope that all is well for you. You really did help me so much and I am so very, very grateful. Thank you (don’t you sometimes wish there was an extra special version of the word Thank You-as just ‘thank you’ doesn’t seem to be enough!!)

Lots of warm wishes

Suzanne xxx

To Emily:
Not sure if you read this as I am not sure how posting works. Just wanted to say a huge thank you for writing your book. It is my little manual that I pick up and put down when I need to read something, get some inspiration or look for some understanding in the lonely, scary times. It has also made me look for a nutritionist and I found the best one-she is such a wonderful woman. I am still looking for a therapist, but I can’t seem to find someone that I feel comfortable enough with to talk to honestly and openly. I hope I will find someone, as I need to talk. In the meantime I am deeply grate full for my friends, yoga teacher, nutritionist and your book/ website and people like Romy, who help me so much by just honestly talking about how you feel.
Thank you and I wish you both lots of goodness and love,

Suzanne